Didn't leave a lot of time for us. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. Coming to terms with the less obvious damage. I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! even when they realize the damage she is doing. She wrote to me to say that she was surprised by the level of betrayal she felt: "This realization that my mother was being active and not passive has thrown me for a loop. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. It's possible for adults to communicate how we might feel neglected without being passive-aggressive, manipulative, or placing undue guilt on those we care for emotionally abusive or emotionally absent parents don't communicate clearly, however. and our If your mother is a narcissist, the toxic effects on your life can be devastating. Press J to jump to the feed. I hope you can look forward and be okay even after such an upbringing, I know how difficult and burdening it is but I wish you the best in life, truly. I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. Untangling each of our parents' roles in our developmentreally seeing both their positive and negative influencesis the first step we take toward healing. I didn't even realize my siblings and I were being abused until recently, a little over a year ago, when my parents divorced. Why did he exclusively target me over her? Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up I will not lose my sense of self like you have. Letter to my mother who didnt protect me. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. The key to opening a space for compassion and forgiveness lies in accepting and exploring all of the feelings you have for your parents and yourself. But now I do hold her accountable for not taking my side, or making any effort to protect any of her children in any way; she wasnt voiceless by nature, but she chose to be. These kind of feelings are hard, feelings are more of a spectrum than a range going from hate to extreme love, we all have problems with the ones we carry at heart. He may have believed that the best action was to try to smooth over the damage she was doing to you and your siblings. Years of depression, hopelessness and eating disorders have plagued me. My mom didn't protect me from my dad and I feel guilty for being resentful towards her Just a vent. . My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. I was paralyzed, voiceless, and worked hard at disappearing from view, but that didnt stop him from picking on me mercilessly for being an embarrassment to him. Its also common for enablers to convince themselves that they are the only people who can understand their narcissistic partner and fulfill their needs and desires. 5 Spiritual Practices That Increase Well-Being. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. Dont try to minimize the trauma of a child. Fuck us kids, right? Hearing about their unsupportive mothers triggered me as I thought about my own. There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. I dont accept that minimal love and I dont want your gifts. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. Even if that is true (and for some people, it is), you can love yourself. It was only when I got into therapy that I started realizing my mothers role wasnt really passive. To stand there and WATCH as your babies are being beratted, beaten and yelled at and not do anything seems like a pretty poor mother. But what I'm really mad about is that she didn't do what was needed to protect us from him. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. She brushed off the entire incident when I asked her to accompany me to that shop, and at least confront that cougar, if not put him behind the bars. In the few years before he died, I had begun to push back, and he aligned himself with her on almost every issue. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? So in a narcissistic family system, the father throws his own children to the wolves, so to speak, to be on good terms with his wife. 350 views, 9 likes, 7 loves, 2 comments, 7 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from New Hope Worship Center Lemmon: New Hope Worship Center New Hope Worship Center That was true for a daughter named Julia whom I interviewed extensively. Just like bullies, they are exerting their power to cover their feelings of being unworthy and not enough. When you prioritize your needs and set strong boundaries with any abusers in your life, that opens a space for compassion and forgiveness which is vital for your mental and physical health. Imagine the shame on the family. And then of course there are the days I ask myself, what is wrong with me that she isnt more interested in my feelings? I think I am learning not to spend as much time on that question though. 2. Yes they are huge steps for me and I know that you understand! 15/03/2015 14:04. The mother did not have much remorse, empathy and was quick to generate excuses in order to protect her image. I want you to acknowledge all the pain that this continues to cause me, but I dont think you have the strength. I cannot see any choice other than to cut communication with Mum to manage the distress her behaviour causes and I am in the process of seeking counselling. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Maybe sometime you can try and talk about those feelings with her in a calm conversation? Its a betrayal thats hard to accept because it feels like no one loved you. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! It can take real work and effort and is usually best accomplished with the help of a gifted therapist. And I was never allowed to forget it. Ah, the joys of being raised by narcissists. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! She also likely did that with you too. Breaking taboos is hard. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. . Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. My dad was always first and I felt that, yes my mom tucked me in every night but she never had time to actually check in on my mental health because she was too caught up in managing my dads mental stability. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. But she acted like we were a normal, happy family. My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. , but one that the narcissist is very adept at recognizing and using to their own advantage. If she is 25 , why does she live at your parent's home? Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. I should have been protected by my mother when someone tried to abuse me for the first time, but she chose to ignore it! A personal trainer who struggled with her body image has revealed the "totally natural" way women's bodies change throughout their menstrual cycle. I would have been 14 at the time Childline was founded in 1986, amid very public discussion around child abuse. Support for Abuse Survivors. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. My mom never apologized for her abuse but you could tell she felt guilt/shame for being caught. You put everyone and everything else before me. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. Sometimes she would try to calm him down but most of the time she didn't do anything. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.". I went through the same thing where he would yell horrible things at me and when I cried he said I was acting. . When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.. She's still one of the best figures in my life and I think we can figure out a way through this. Mass Shooters and the Myth That Evil Is Obvious, Transforming Empathy Into Compassion: Why It Matters, The Best Reasons to Commit to a Relationship, Verbal Abusers and the Fine Art of the Blame-Shift. what happened to polish tv company; most in-demand show in the world. You put everyone and everything else before me. Your feelings are natural under these sad circumstances, OP. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. This was not justice. For trauma therapy advice, contact emdrassociation.org.uk, If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk, After counselling you may feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life on your terms and with your boundaries, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, When you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace.. The action you just performed triggered the security solution. Every man who put a hand on my body received a tight slap there and then. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. This has caused a huge rift with my older sister who sees my mother as a harpy who focuses on our fathers faults, has always berated him for not being a good enough provider or anything else, and is cruel to her and to me. But you didnt. Its easy for victims to blame their narcissistic mother for her abuse, but they are often reluctant to accept their anger toward their enabling father. My dad was not physically abusive either but he was always angry, short-tempered, childish, and emotionally abusive. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. I know my mother knew about the sexual abuse that my father, her husband was subjecting me to. I am glad he is dead. I cant believe how similar your story is to mine. 0 4. Many children of narcissistic parents cant understand why the. All her energy seemed to be spent on placating him, and catering to him. Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". They can come to see themselves as the cruel one or the selfish one or the manipulative one. Forgiveness is not really about his feelings, its about yours. . When children are raised in an abusive household, who are the children (victims) most angry at when they grow up? Im sorry you had to grow up with that family life its so damaging. I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. I acknowledge the ache of being unmothered but I am learning to grow my own internal mother. For now, your feelings are valid. Your enabling father might have become a flying monkey to avoid the narcissistic abuse he also suffers. . I know for sure that he was always on Team Mom. Your thoughts?. Why did my mom never stop my dad? She thinks his put-downs are a way of keeping us from getting too full of ourselves, his criticisms a way of motivating us, his authoritarian style the mark of a man who knows his mind. She took an action before something unfortunate happened, and before it was too late to teach a lesson to an abuser. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. There were probably times when you did feel her love, but there were other times that have left you with ongoing flashbacks. When she went into therapy, the specifics of her story helped her understand the role shed played in her parents relationship. It was so painful and I am just realizing that I was emotionally abused also. She lives far away and seldom calls me, and when she does, she talks about superficial things. However, I dont understand a number of neglectful decisions she made, including leaving one or all of us in the care of unknown adults or, worse, adults who were suspected of abusive behaviour, for overnight stays. I am regretting this very much. But what's really angered me over the last couple years looking back is Mom's role in all of this. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. I dont know what to do. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. Your narcissistic mother actually encouraged trauma bonding by alternating her own patterns of abuse and special treatment. The narcissists flying monkeys are often family members, sometimes even children, who do the same thing. I spent my entire childhood imagining how my mom feels and trying to pick up the pieces of her life for her. . Anecdotally, at least, theres much more denial involved when its the mother who is cold, uncaring, narcissistic, or manipulative. Cheaters cheat liars lie and people who are like this do this too. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. Why Are So Many Young Men Single And Sexless? It will never change, and I know that.. In my case, it is my mother. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. Sometimes the fact that your enabling father never protected you did more damage than your narcissistic mothers emotional abuse. I dont want to talk about the weather or my cousins wedding. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. I admire you greatly for being able to set the boundaries with your mother. Thank you for your comment though, it is appreciated. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Photograph by pezibear. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Talking about secrets we were trained to keep quiet about, is one of them. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. Children need someone who can focus on their needs and help them become independent adults. I guess I just feel used and wish I knew what was really happening. What Is Worse Than Sexual Abuse By Your Mother? I cried and believed you would rescue me. Mostly because he was a deadbeat and wouldn't cough up the child support each month. This man wasn't a danger to my 15 year old cousin nearby. You are seeking out counselling and when you work through all your experiences and feelings and have them validated, it may bring you some peace. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. . Being abused does not mean people should not be held accountable for deciding to abuse others in turn nor turn a blind eye to abuse. I wont wish you contentment because I dont feel you deserve it. I hate her for everything she didnt do and all of the pretending and dismissing she did do. Would it be like denying what your experience has been? It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. I think about this a lot. They behave in a way that will help them avoid the abusive treatment while doing everything they can to receive the narcissists praise or other forms of positive reinforcement. Managing in the War Zone. I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. It hurts that I needed her and she wasn't there. No slurs or victim-blaming. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. How Do You Know If Your Mother Is Emotionally Abusive? As I was going up the stair . I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. But the parent as a bystander or one who acknowledges but palliates creates a deep mistrust of others and even distrust of love in the child which can last long into adulthood, like Becca, now 43, wrote me: My mother is my fathers staunchest defender. Every excuse I made for him was in my mom's voice. Understanding that Mum is emotionally vulnerable has meant my siblings and I dont raise these issues with her in the interests of keeping the peace. I feel like I'm in/was in a similar boat. Our first five years together were great. It was always about getting her needs met. Our household was run by emotionally crippled children. 732 views, 45 likes, 11 loves, 7 comments, 73 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from : 22 2023 . The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. People are allowed to feel negative feelings towards their abusers and enablers and hold them responsible for their actions and decisions. A letter to My mother, who didnt protect me from abuse I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture. 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