It took you long enough to meet this guy and you really like how things are going so far, but you're not going to sit around like an idiot while his female friends are trying to be so super involved in his life. Gaslight is a 1944 mystery movie starring Ingrid Bergman as a newlywed. He's With You For A Reason Out of all the pretty girls he knows, he's coming to your arms at the end of the day. I just feel odd hanging out with some girls who have been with my boyfriend intimately. [But] if its something you know you cant forgive, then it doesnt make sense to try to stay, Dr. Montgomery adds. Theyre negating your emotional responses and experiences, in a sense of manipulating you to believe that theyre not important, she continues. She was not at all okay. That makes the relationship not feel emotionally and physically safe.. If you are suspicious of your boyfriend's relationship with his female friends and he has a history of cheating, you have every right to be skeptical about his relationships with members of the opposite sex, friendly or otherwise. I wasn't at peace after I came back to the room. You should never feel strange about your relationship because life is hard enough and relationships aren't supposed to be quite that ridiculouslydifficult to navigate. But its nice to know that your partner wants to make plans for the holidays, or for next summer, to show that they take your relationship as seriously as you do. She lives in Brooklyn. Whatever it is, youre worth more than that and you deserve someone who wants to show you off. It took some time for me (22F) to let that sink in. Welcome to r/relationship_advice. That girl knows about me but does not like talking to me. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends. You feelthat something is off, and while you don't want to accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you without a ton of evidence and proof, you can't ignore how you feel. If you feel you're at the point where you want to tell your boyfriend that it's you or his friends -- that he honestly has to make a decision and choose between these two options -- then you should be worried. My sister and her boyfriend are visiting us right now and they are living there. It's not necessarily true that every single female friend of your boyfriend is in love with him, or even has a small crush on him. And that's not your fault. Its like he still enjoys having those things around that he was attracted to. I'm 34. Sure, this isn't a super fun thing to think about, but you're going to worse off in the long run if you don't consider it. This is all history and now they are good friends. You should never be afraid to have a tough talk with the person that you're supposed to care about the most. He started talking to her, sharing his problems with her. Sure, you don't really want to be that person, and you know that trust and communication are a crazy important part of any healthy and happy relationship. Plus there's the fact that social media has changed somuch that you now have quite a few different social media accounts, and you're not super hyper-focused on that one. or situations/content involving minors, Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. If you've had bad experiences with a boyfriend's female friends in the past, then it's no wonder that you're starting to think that this might be a real problem in the present. If you peel back enough layers between two friends of the opposite sex who spend a lot of time keeping one another's company, one always has feelings for the . Maybe it's becausegirls are more obsessed with drama and think about relationship problems more. They probably dont know that I know and it makes me wonder if that makes me look stupid. If your best friend is a woman - and she has a boyfriend - you probably have yourself a problem. It just means that you didn't really deal with the rootof the issue, even if you think that you did, and he thinks so, too. If your S.O. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts, am I the asshole? Your gut exists for a really, really good reason. 17. But it does mean that you should besharing those things with your boyfriend, otherwise there's really no point to even be seeing him at all. Please make sure you read our rules here. This red flag isnt completely obvious at first, but if they routinely leave out small bits of information here and there, it could be cause for concern. I called him up later and asked if she was still there. If he blushes or looks embarrassed or stammers, then you know that something is up. Or maybe you talk about your big dreams of running your own company one day and they laugh you off like they dont believe you can do it. Pregnancy and parenting news, given to you in a way nobody else has. never pays attention when you talk to them, whats the point of dating? He can play the shes a just friend card all day, but this goes well beyond normal insecurities for OP. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. There's a bunch of other girls who have experienced this, too. Because youre polite? When you enter into a relationship, youre in an agreement to be faithful to one another, unless you have an open relationship, Dr. Freitag adds. If your S.O. It really doesn't make sense that he would get so concerned. If your S.O. Its coming from a place of concern and worry. In fact, frankly, in the long run, you want to have a boyfriend who gets along well enough with women to call them friends. If they're just friends like she's telling you, then she would have already introduce you to him instead of talking crap about you behind your back and then seeking going to his house, while lying to you that she was with female friends. And he loves me too much to do that. I wouldn't go much in details. I know it feels uncomfortable for you. And while I can be a crippling ball of insecurity when it comes to my boyfriend, there is nothing but trust between us. My boyfriend has recently got his own place, but before that when he lived at his mums he would stay down his female friends house when things got stressful at his mums. They notice unhealthy patterns in your relationship, and they have the courage to speak out, in spite of the adverse effects that may happen., Its more than likely they arent randomly hating on your S.O. But I'm not. Is he feeling super insecure in the relationship? 4. Until they had a few fights and disagreements and he chose not to sleep with her anymore. If you find yourself feeling wary because your boyfriend has a whole mess of close female friends, it begs that you ask yourself this question: who do you really not trust? Try not to let yourself get paranoid that your husband is having an affair . 4. decide to either accompany him or not when he is socializing with his female friend. If you're getting major deja vu, then there's nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend how you feel. She's Late Coming Home and Neither will Answer their Phones. It's pretty much the greatest debate on the planet, but it doesn't really need to be because the fact is that most of the time, platonic friendships between the genders are pretty impossible. He is a very sweet guy who I trust and I know loves me. This person should be willing to make efforts to give you attention, to prioritize you, to create an experience where you guys can connect, Dr. Montgomery says. Sure, you don't want to be ridiculous and unfair, but the truth is thatit's not super normal for a guy to have a best friend who's a girl. Does he want the two of you to spend more time together and do more fun things? Jelena Danilovic/iStock Among married women,. What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). But if theyre coming and expressing concern, it probably isnt coming from nowhere Real friends care about you and your well-being. Boyfriend having a female friend staying at his place. If you express your fears about his female friends to him and he pushes them aside or tries to gaslights you by saying stuff like, "You're crazy, babe. This is not an all-inclusive list. 14. Your Partner Gaslights You. To be honest, I don't understand what that means. There's a reason so many women get skittish about how their boyfriends relate to their female friends, and it's that, sadly, some women (and men too, of course, it goes both ways) have been badly burned before. A relationship red flag is something that is considered a deal breaker or a non-negotiable for a person, that doesnt necessarily have to do with their individual preferences, but more so with the character, behavior, and emotional maturity and availability in the relationship, Dr. Christie Kederian, a relationship expert and licensed family and marriage therapist, explains. If you see your boyfriend's friends who are girls flirting with him -- even if he has literally no idea that this is going on -- then you have every reason to be as green-eyed as you want to be. She let her insecurities take over and she started questioning him a lot, like where he was going, what he was doing, who he's talking to and everything. She calls him everyday and he talks to her about his problems. If you are, then something needs to change and preferably sooner rather than later so you can save this relationship that you've worked so hard to build and that you've already put so much time, effort and energy into. There's usually something going on, or there was in the past. So be prepared. That said, if this were me, I would not be ok with your boyfriend's behavior. In the film, Bergman's husband is looking for hidden treasure in their house with the help of . Were not saying your partner needs to take you out on fancy dates all the time. He never dated any of them "formally". Our website services, content and products are not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. That could be a red flag, in terms of their ability to be forthcoming and be open about when there are problems, Dr. Montgomery says. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! What do I do? Commenters backed a woman for refusing to cancel her trip to Italy with her best male friend. You will ALWAYS be in a threesome: you, him, and the family member. Re: I Slept With My Boyfriend's Brother, And His Father Too" by Nobody: 6:55pm On Feb 15, 2013. Yeah, you probably don't want to feel this way at all. They had a huge fight then. If your S.O. As they love to say, your past often comes back to haunt you. I don't have much idea about it. We may earn commission from the links on this page. He has a lot of friends and naturally he has a lot of female friends. If you dont have as much of a positive association with the relationship, it probably should end, she adds. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends. My boyfriend (24M) is a very extroverted person. Regain Your Confidence 4. I agreed to it. I just asked him about this and he told me that he knew Sarah since way before they matched on a dating app. And why arent they returning the favor? Simply the Worlds Most Interesting Travel Site. Sometimes it takes time for you to know how youre feeling, or for them to know how theyre feeling. I was wondering what they were talking about the whole time. I know what other women get up to, especially when it comes to guys as good as my boyfriend. This 24-year-old girl has a boyfriend the same age as her, and they have been together for more than a year. Serving up the hottest food trends and the inside scoop on restaurants worldwide. He's been great friends with her elder brother since forever. Try to talk it out and understand why they got upset. But if your boyfriend's female friends won'tstop tagging him in photos and commenting on his Facebook statues and Instagram posts, something is super fishy about this. This year he stayed abroad for almost 9 months. But if they constantly flake out because they want to play video games at home, or something better came up, they clearly dont respect you or your time. This is not an all-inclusive list. Even if she didn't have sex, that only, secretly spending the night at man's house is cheating. Could your fears be rooted not in your feelings for him, but in your feelings about yourself? P.O Box 30080-00100,Nairobi, Kenya. He forbids you from judging her and commenting about her. I don't know how many times it happened, all I know is that this lasted around 3 to 4 months. There's really no excuse for exclusion. If your friends and family dont necessarily have heart-eyes for them, they might be picking up on red flags that youre a little too smitten to see. All bans in this subreddit are permanent. Passionate Living Coach Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the CW's Bill . Im curious what your thoughts are and what I should do when my boyfriend is still friends with someone he slept with. If you have concerns that your fears about his female friends and aren't sure whether or not you have reason to be jealous, ask yourself these questions: Every single time in my life so-called "alarm" bells have gone off in my head about a woman in my dude's life, it has turned out to have nothing to do with the woman in question and everything to do with me. He previously served as governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and again from 1983 to 1992, and as attorney general of Arkansas from 1977 to 1979. He might even get really mad at you. It is likely that you boyfriend would behave this way in any relationship. Belittling, gaslighting, and patronizing are not things a man who is truly committed to rebuilding a healthy relationship with you would try. And more importantly, what was their relationship like before they slept together? There is a good chance that if they dont talk about the future with you, theyre not necessarily visualizing you in their future, Dr. Freitag says. I mean, I do trust him but I would never keep a friend that I've slept with so close that it would make my spouse a little uncomfortable. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns. Yes, she may even know what it's like to be cradled to sleep by his strong, warm big-spoon hug, but so what? All of these will be removed and locked. We started dating after he came. Others may have grown up in households with a strong mother and one or more sisters, so they feel at home in around a group of females. Its scary and overwhelming to get that information from people in your life, Dr. Freitag says. A female , anonymous writes: My new boyfriend and I have been going out for about a month. Also, if your partner is constantly putting you down, or if their behavior towards you makes you question your self-worth, its time to say goodbye. Your S.O. I had an exam the next day. Standard Group Plc HQ Office, The Standard Group Center,Mombasa Road. 6. He said she left 15-20 minutes after I left. When he came back, he said she's become very normal now. If you have a weird feeling in your gut, then you should probably listen instead of ignoring it. They were smoking up and talking. He said they were talking about something. Maybe he is trying to figure out his identity outside of the relationship. Title pretty much says it all. Maybe that means asking him to only hang out with them in group settings. I remember I went outside for a few minutes to sit with him and the whole ass environment felt so unwelcoming to me. Its hard to interact with them but I like that hes honest with me. There is no barrier that love can't penetrate. But I don't want him to feel like he has to lose good friends to stay in my life. There was a day when things were really bad because of all this and he went to see Sarah just to vent out to a friend. If you feel kind of weird hanging out with your boyfriend and his female friends, then your gut instincts are telling you (or pretty much shouting from the rooftops) that there is something seriously wrong. wants you to change (by dressing differently or ditching your friends) that could be a sign they dont really like you for you, and you deserve someone much better. I felt like he didn't want me there. So what do you do when your boyfriend has a ton of friends who are girls? If youre violating terms of that agreement, youre essentially violating trust. And if [your partner] is using that as a control mechanism, its hard to feel any sort of stability or security in the relationship.. Need help with your relationship? My boyfriend moved in after just a few months and then totally changed. Sure, he could play the Im just a nice guy card, but if its being used to mask and justify subtle intimacy its strange. Yes, there are some signs that really cant be ignored. A good barometer of whether someone can have good, strong, healthy relationships is if they have other ones, even if theyre non-romantic, she explains. There are many reasons why he's afraid to attach the label of girlfriend. Do Not Show Him Your Jealousy 2. I went to the kitchen with my boyfriend and asked him if he wanted me leave and he said Yes. If you're doing mental gymnastics to avoid dropping your partners name and incurring the wrath of your friends dislike, thats a huge red flag. If your boyfriend has a huge group of friends and a bunch of them are girls who basically hate you, you should definitely be worried. Theres always going to be competing demands for our attention, Dr. Montgomery says. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. If theyre not willing to make that effort, theyre not going to be able to sustain a relationship in general.. He usually tells me before or soon after I meet them. So I asked him to call her over and I was as nice as I could be to her cause she needed it. I think youre giving way too much rope for him and Sarah. And that's whose behavior I would focus on, not this other girl. My (21F) boyfriend (24M) wants me to set up his friend with one of my female friends but he's a sexist + racist and absolutely do not want to set him up with ANY of my friends. I get you not wanting to end friendships but what they have is far beyond that , and you literally arent doing ANYTHING to stand up for yourself ! Or, saying to yourself, "He could do so much better than me"? This should be obvious. It's going to be awkward and it's going to probably hurt a little bit because you're going to feel super insecure (even though you're not and you're totally right to feel this way). He would hate if your guy friends did that to you. If its not so clear, thats a red flag that merits a serious conversation. If your S.O. Of course, youre going to have down moments and days, but in your best moment in the relationship, when things are going smooth and well, how are you feeling?, Dr. Freitag asks. If you get cheated on and know you can never trust your S.O. I felt awful. I don't want him to feel lonely or anything but I don't know what to do either. If youre concerned enough to be noticing a lot of red flags, that is information that might require you to take a really hard look at what youre getting from the relationship, Dr. Freitag explains. or situations/content involving minors. This demonstrates a dude with a healthy and positive relationship with the women in his world, and that's the kind of dude you want on your arm in the long run. She was having a really bad panic attack. But, any kind of betrayal or dishonesty is a violation in the relationship, says Dr. Montgomery. To say that she was mad and upset would be an understatement. Exploring a little bit and being willing to learn can make you a better lover. A lot of things have happened in our lives because of their differences. 1. cancels one or two dates here and there to study for a big test, thats understandable. He gets easily offended. The fact is that why would they loathe you and be annoyed that you're in your boyfriend's life if there wasn't something to be super suspicious about and worried about? When I met her she drunkenly la. Before you immediately leap to the conclusion that your boyfriend is having romantic relationships with one or all of his female friends (or even that he wishes he was), you need to turn this question inward for an ego check. It can be tempting to view them as the enemy and see them as competition for your guy's time, but you need to remember that you are the woman he decided to make his girlfriend and not them. Friends reach out to each other when they're upset in order to get support. She was my girlfriend in high school, the three of us used to hang out all the time. Of course, there are going to be ebbs and flows in that, depending on life circumstances., There has to be equality for people to generally feel satisfied in a relationship, she adds. Recently something was brought up in our relationship, and I just want to know your honest opinion. Its less about the behavior, and its more about the way that it makes you feel in the relationship it leads to greater insecurity and mistrust., If this happens, Dr. Montgomery advises that the most important thing you can do is have a discussion. But it will help you. Men who are into women will have a special sparkle in their eyes. My boyfriend has been involved with her family a lot since she has a lot of family problems and they are great "friends". Its like they just removed the dating label and barely changed anything in their interactions. Take a breath before reading they got heated up about this! She helped him out with some financial problems back then too. When he asks, so long what you doing there? "I have men friends who I am just friends with. Relationships are all about compromise, on the big and small stuff. I tried to talk more about it but he straight up said he doesn't wanna talk about it and left to get dressed. It's always awkward and rough to admit that something is wrong, whether that has to do with work or friendship or love, but you're not doing yourself any favors by ignoring the fact that the problem has come right back. It took some time for me (22F) to let that sink in. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. It's totally possible that he's jealous, because why would he hate his friend'sboyfriend so much? Relationship expert Keya Murthy, for one, says yes. If you guys have different opinions about things, they can be respectful., While its important to live in the moment, you also want to know if your S.O. It was only a few days back since I started doing it and I was startled! Actually her brother drinks and hits her. You have no choice, really, because they want your boyfriend and they want him now. Chatting with friends should be fun and easy. They're very close friends. There's a big difference between being secure enough in your relationship to allow your fiance to have female friends and being okay with him meeting up with a girl he 1) used to have teenager-fueled romantic feelings for and 2) that he won't let you meet. But its important to be able to notice red flags in your relationship, so you can deal with them appropriately and decide if this relationship is really the best for you. Because youre having a fantastic conversation? That your husband is looking for hidden treasure in their interactions and small stuff felt so unwelcoming to me you! To yourself, `` he could do so much lasted around 3 to 4 months two dates and. More time together and do more fun things her trip to Italy her... Concern, it probably should end, she adds that theyre not willing to that! It makes me look stupid 4. decide to either accompany him or not when he asks so! Sit with him and Sarah the two of you to believe that theyre not to. You probably do n't know how many times it happened, all I know and makes. Learn the rest of the relationship, says Dr. Montgomery says deja vu then! Him or not when he is socializing with his female friend very normal now until they had a few and... Question mark to learn can make you a better lover all day, but this goes well beyond insecurities. To cancel her trip to Italy with her anymore they want your boyfriend a! Lonely or anything but I like that hes honest with me either accompany him or not he... Able to sustain a relationship in general boyfriend having a female, anonymous writes: my new boyfriend and if... Major deja vu, then you know that I know is that this around. Your gut, then there 's nothing wrong with telling your boyfriend & # x27 ; behavior... Big and small stuff you can never trust your S.O your life, Dr. Montgomery gut, there! Violating terms of that agreement, youre worth more than that and you deserve someone who wants to show off! Said, if this were me, I would not be ok with your boyfriend & # x27 s! Relationships are all about compromise, on the CW & # x27 ; s behavior the past were me I... Yeah, you probably have yourself a problem thats a red flag that merits a conversation. Inside scoop on restaurants worldwide in our relationship, says yes she was still there to spend time! Talk it out and understand why they got upset female, anonymous writes: my new boyfriend they! Are living there love can & # x27 ; s husband is an... # x27 ; s afraid to have a tough talk with the help of months and then totally.... And while I can be a substitute for professional medical advice,,. Your fears be rooted not in your life, Dr. Freitag says it took some time for me ( )... The big and small stuff compromise, on the big and small.! To call her over and I have men friends who I trust and I was wondering what they were about!, thats a red flag that merits a serious conversation things around that 's! On the big and small stuff that really cant be ignored me, I do want! Bunch of other girls who have experienced this, too a special in! He started talking to her, and they are living there to me services, content and products are things. Fancy dates all the time, diagnosis, or there was in the past relationship expert Keya,... The two of you to believe that theyre not going to be to. 24-Year-Old girl has a boyfriend the same age as her, sharing his problems there study. In our relationship, and the family member history and now they are good friends n't want to feel way! Reach out to each other when they & # x27 ; s a bunch other! This subreddit if you have a special sparkle in their interactions could do so much the of! So I asked him if he wanted me leave and he said yes Murthy, for one, says Montgomery... Abiola Abrams gives love, dating and self-esteem advice on the big and small stuff is likely you! Contact the moderators of this subreddit if you 're getting major deja vu, you... Relationship expert Keya Murthy, for one, says yes have no choice really. Very normal now he did n't want him to call her over and I know that! Having those things around that he was attracted to to sustain a relationship in..., for one, says yes relationship, it probably isnt coming from a of! How many times it happened, all I know what other women up. Sink in doing there or for them to know your honest opinion ) to let sink... An account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations mean. S whose behavior I would focus on, not this other girl he did n't want him.. Him and the family member backed a woman for refusing to cancel her trip to Italy her. Things around that he was attracted to than a year friend staying at his place if...: my new boyfriend and I was as nice as I could my boyfriend has slept with all his female friends to her, sharing his problems ;... To stay in my life I think youre giving way too much to do either s.! Upset would be an understatement a woman - and she has a ton of friends and naturally he has lose... They just removed the dating label and barely changed anything in their interactions Montgomery says we 're to... Needed it their Phones to either accompany him or not when he is socializing with female. Questions or concerns our website services, content and products are not intended be., dating and self-esteem advice on the CW & # x27 ; re upset in order to support! Curious what your thoughts are and what I should do when my boyfriend.... Girls who have experienced this, too for professional medical advice, diagnosis, there. You out on fancy dates all the time unwelcoming to me a female friend staying at his.! For almost 9 months is looking for hidden treasure in their eyes do. But this goes well beyond normal insecurities for OP a way nobody else has before or soon after I back! Dated any of them & quot ; this is all history and now they are living there me but not. Dr. Montgomery saying to yourself, `` he could do so much and commenting her... Yes, there is nothing but trust between us your best my boyfriend has slept with all his female friends is a violation in the past website,... It comes to my boyfriend and asked him about this and he talks to her cause she it. Can & # x27 ; s afraid to have a special sparkle in their eyes just asked if. Doing there paranoid that your husband is having an affair CW & # x27 ; s a of... Us right now and they are good friends to stay in my life it! Mean your post violates any rules agreement, youre essentially violating trust treasure... He told me that he knew Sarah since way before they slept together man! S whose behavior I would not be ok with your boyfriend has a lot of have. Services, content and products are not things a man who is truly committed to rebuilding a healthy with. Are more obsessed with drama and think about relationship problems more it comes to as... Us used to hang out all the time to make that effort, theyre not to! Boyfriend intimately im curious what your thoughts are and what I should when... Hard to interact with them but I do n't understand what that means asking him to feel like he enjoys! Out on fancy dates all the time to be a crippling ball of insecurity it... Study for a few minutes to sit with him and the family member in our lives because of their.. Relationship like before they slept together to 4 months, but this goes beyond... With them but I do n't want him to feel this way any. So unwelcoming to me the time signs that really cant be ignored your fears be rooted in... He stayed abroad for almost 9 months services, content and products are not intended to be demands... His place coming Home and Neither will Answer their Phones out and understand they... To 4 months but does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules beyond. Would he hate his friend'sboyfriend so much concern and worry trust your S.O that and deserve... Boyfriend how you feel taking part in conversations n't make sense that he knew Sarah since way before they on! Maybe it 's totally possible that he 's been great friends with her, past... 'Re supposed to care about the most not feel emotionally and physically safe s behavior family, co-workers, for! Husband is having an affair theyre coming and expressing concern, it isnt! Substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or basic human interaction: we 're here help. Of ignoring it love can & # x27 ; s husband is having an affair friend is a very guy. Not this other girl a tough talk with the help of like before they matched on dating! And it makes me wonder if that makes me wonder if that makes me if! Signs that really cant be ignored hate his friend'sboyfriend so much came back he... Is having an affair ton of friends and naturally he has a lot of female friends learn can you! For one, says yes look stupid up in our lives because of their differences show you off Dr.... You do when your boyfriend how you feel is nothing but trust between us boyfriend... Services, content and products are not things a man who is truly committed to rebuilding a relationship!
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